


I'm Not A Self-Help Book... Just a Fucked Up Kid

by BendyDick



Category: Marvel (Comics), Young Avengers
Genre: Alternate Scene, Billy dealing with depression, M/M, Teddy being a great boyfriend, first piece in this fandom, just a bit of fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-04
Updated: 2016-08-04
Packaged: 2018-07-29 06:07:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7672987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BendyDick/pseuds/BendyDick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Billy is dealing with emotions he doesn't know how to control or talk about. Teddy only wants to help him. Will Billy learn to put the past in the past?</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Not A Self-Help Book... Just a Fucked Up Kid

**Author's Note:**

> Title was taken from a playlist on 8tracks. This is my first work in this fandom, please let me know what you think. Thank you for reading!

Home wasn’t a concept that Billy had gotten used to yet. The couch he was sitting on wasn’t something that felt normal. His friends, his brothers, his boyfriend, all felt like ghosts because really, they were. Time could be changed, life didn’t matter, and he wasn’t even sure he was here... wherever here was. He could hear people talking to him but they were far away, like a mirage, just there in the distance but if he reached for them they’d slip through his fingers.

He stopped wanting to eat. He stopped showering. He knew that he should but he couldn’t complete the mental commands.

_I want to be okay._

His mind kept replaying Cassie scream, Vision looking scared, Wanda hugging him.

“Hey,” the voice was familiar, Billy looked up but it took him a second to recognize Teddy. “I’m heading out… want me to pick you up anything?”

Billy stared at him for a moment before shaking his head. Teddy couldn’t get the things he wanted most. Teddy stood in the door way a second, staring at Billy as if he wanted to say something, as if he felt the need to save him but eventually the other teen turned away and closed the door.

_I want you._

At least it was summer, which meant Billy didn’t have to attempt to be happy for his schoolmates and teachers. He could sit in the same place all day, and he could eat only a few bites of his food and only suffer a minor attempt at a heart to heart from his mom. He felt sorry for worrying her but… but she didn’t need to know what he was thinking or feeling. She didn’t need to fear her son the way Billy feared himself.

_I want to be normal._

Tommy and Teddy had dragged Billy out to a movie. He hadn’t paid attention to the title but it was loud and made him shift uncomfortably in his seat. Someone on the screen screamed and Billy felt himself start to sweat. His eyes closed and he thought about reaching out for Teddy’s hand but he was aware of the small blue sparks rising above his skin and didn’t need to hurt someone else today. Instead he clawed at the soft fabric covering his seat and tried not to cry. He was a super hero… super heros didn’t cry.

_I want to disappear._

‘You don’t talk anymore,’ Billy’s mom had said over dinner. Her dark eyes were pleading with her son to talk but the boy remained silent and simply shrugged.

‘Only bad things happen when I do…’ his voice was soft, barely audible above the classical music playing in the living room. Billy didn’t need to look up to know that Teddy, his father, and his mother were staring at him in concern. They’d been doing that a lot lately.

_I want you to leave me alone._

Someone was barbequing down the street and the scent was familiar but not like childhood memories, not like happy moments Billy had had where he’d been running and playing with his neighbors. It smelled sadder, darker, more like burning hair and screams.

It smelt like burning human flesh.

Billy ran to the bathroom and vomited and ignored Teddy’s worried knocks.

_I want to forget._

It was four a.m. and Billy was staring out his bedroom window, watching cars slowly move through the city. He wondered if the drivers were afraid of aliens, afraid of unknown government attacks, he wondered if they were afraid of him.

The news had covered the new super hero registration act. It wasn’t in effect yet but he could still see the woman crying and holding up a picture of her dead son. He wondered if she felt like him.

“Are you coming back to bed,” Teddy asked, sitting up after realizing Billy wasn’t there. Billy could read the small look of fear that past across his boyfriends face and felt guilty for causing it.

“Yes, give me a moment.”

Teddy nodded and laid back down.

_I want to say sorry._

The sun was slowly sinking under the skyline and stars were starting to peak through the purple and pink hues of evening. Soon the moon would raise and the music downtown would grow louder as clubs opened their doors and people danced to forget their days.

Billy watched the older kids laughing with each other down the street and felt his heart lurch. He found himself feeling jealous of them. They weren’t like him. They didn’t feel ashamed.

He looked back up at the sky just in time to watch the last flicker of daylight reach out before being replaced by the deep blue over nighttime. The stars in New York were not particularly bright. They had been covered by smog and light pollution but some still managed to shine. He watched them sparkling and felt hallow.

He supposed hallow was a good word for the feeling in his chest. It felt like he was missing something, like things and moments were just passing through him, like he wasn’t fully in the moment. He was just floating; a light that was burning out billions of miles away and people were only catching his reflections.

“Hey,” a soft, deep voice called from the edge of the roof, “I was wondering where you went.”

Billy looked up to Teddy and tried to smile but the movement didn’t reach his eyes so he stopped pretending and looked back to the sky.

“I know you don’t want to talk-”

“I have nothing to say,” Billy interjected hoping that Teddy wouldn’t hear the lie in his words. He had lots to say but no way of making sense of it.

Teddy sat beside him, not touching him but close enough that Billy could feel the other’s presence. “Well, I want to talk and I have things to say… I miss them too.”

“Don’t.”

“I miss Cassie’s laugh and I miss Vision’s… Visionness,” Billy was starting to stand up and Teddy put a hand on the smaller boy’s leg effectively keeping him in place. “And I miss my mom.”

Billy looked turned to look at Teddy. They hadn’t really talked a lot about Teddy’s “mom”. There had been a funeral but only the Young Avengers and Billy’s family had shown up once word got out that Teddy’s mom was… well a Skrull. Teddy’s eyes looked sad, tired, and it was the first time Billy has really seen him look this… helpless. Billy set his hand on Teddy’s and gave it a small squeeze, an attempt at an apology he can’t find the words for.

“I loved her,” Teddy confessed, not hiding the small wavier in his voice. “I can still see her face and it hurts but I know that she loved me just as I know Cassie and Vision loved us as much as they love each other. And just as my mom sacrificed herself for me…. Cassie sacrificed herself for her dad. She loved him so much and that isn’t our place to decided that was wrong.”

Billy shook his head and forced “But I should have saved her. I were right there.”

“I could have saved my mom. She was right in front of me. I could have shifted and put myself in front of her and she’d still be here but I didn’t.” Teddy was crying, not sobbing but there were tears falling down his cheeks. Billy felt a pang of guilt for having said anything but he’d been feeling that a lot lately.

He feared his own voice. He was scared that everything he thought, everything that he said, was going to bring the world closer to destruction. He was afraid that he would say something and that Teddy would never be able to love him again. He was afraid of the weapon he was becoming and afraid that he would never be able to control it. He was nothing but a ticking bomb.

Teddy was watching Billy carefully, as if he was trying read his face but coming up short. Teddy was usually good about reading his boyfriend’s emotions but it’d felt like Billy was still floating alone in the dark. Maybe that’s where he wanted to be. Maybe that’s where he belonged.

The silence between them stretched on for a little bit longer before Teddy took a shaky breath and continued, “I felt guilty for awhile… but you know what helped?”

“No…” Billy admitted, feeling guilty again for having forgot that Teddy would still be dealing with the loss of his mother. God, he must really be a monster.

“Talking to your mom. I told her everything that I was feeling, how I felt like I should have been faster, that I should have said something, that I could have fixed things and she told me that I was being too hard on myself. She said that my mom loved me, more than anything, and that it was obvious that I loved her back and that the only thing I could do was live my life trying to make choice that would make my mother proud.” Teddy squeezed Billy’s hand and then lifted his hand to Billy’s chin and gently pulled his face up to meet his. “My mother would be proud of us. Cassie would want us to live our lives, as would Vision. All of them, everyone that will come after them, do not want us to stop living just because they did.”

Billy pulled his face away. He didn’t want Teddy to see him cry. Teddy pulled him back against his chest and kissed the top of his head.

Teddy started to speak softly into Billy’s ear after a few seconds, soft like a prayer, “It won’t be easy but we will learn. And I’m just grateful that I still have you. Things are dark right now, but ‘happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, when one only remembers to turn on the light’.”

“Did you just quote Dumbledore,” Billy asked with a small chuckle, the ridiculousness of it all distracting him for a second.

“It made you smile.”

“You big nerd,” Billy pulled away just enough to look up at his amazing boyfriend. He was smiling through his tears and for the first time since the fight he felt like his chest had something close to substance. Perhaps Teddy was right, even if just in theory. The thought was enough to steady his choppy breathing.

“I love you,” Teddy said sweetly.

Billy started to blush and responded, “I love you too…”

“To the end of the line,” Teddy was fighting to hold back a smile at Billy’s playful glare.

“You’re just on a roll aren’t you? Who’s next?” Billy’s grin was becoming more genuine, almost comfortable as they eased back into their old comfortable banter. It felt like so long since they’d just been able to joke.

Teddy smiled back and took a second, “Maria, these walls were not meant to shut out problems. You have to face them. You have to live the life you were born to live.”

Billy stared at Teddy in disbelief but found himself again after a second. So, Teddy had been able to read him. He pursed his lip and nodded. “You do have your moments. Not many, but you have them.”

Teddy pulled Billy back to his chest and laughed. Billy felt safe in Teddy’s arms. Calm. Like nothing could hurt him, not even himself.

He felt himself relax for the first time in weeks.


End file.
